credits

Pages: (2) 1 2  ( Go to first unread post )
reply
new topic
new poll

 you've woken up my heart, lori / sparky ♥
Dec 23 2016, 01:13 AM
he/him
twenty-four


telescopic vision
student / tattoo artist
hugo a. parker
ananas [she/her] • 2555 posts


you've woken up my heart & i'm shaking
tag: logo ♥ //
notes: my babies tbh
He hadn’t slept very well, but it was hard to tell if that was because he was sleeping in a cold tent on the hard ground, or because he had too much on his mind. On one hand, their tent in the middle of this campground in fucking December was not the most comfortable place to sleep. On the other hand, Hugo knew that he’d slept in less comfortable places before, so that was probably not the reason for his lying awake half the night. It was well into the fucking early hours of the morning by the time he fell asleep, but that lasted only a little while before he was awake again — tired, grumpy, and wishing he could sleep more, but awake nonetheless.

Lorcan was still snoring softly beside him, and Hugo sat up slowly so as not to wake him, studying his features as he unzipped his sleeping bag so he could get dressed. God, Lorcan was fucking beautiful. If Hugo thought he’d actually be able to sleep again, he would have gladly curled up behind him and stayed all day. As it was, he dressed quickly, tugging on a hoodie and his jacket. He had loose plans for the day, but no proper itinerary; he’d figured that they could decide what they wanted to do together, when Lorcan got up. They hadn’t discussed it much, since Hugo hadn’t let him know where they were going until last evening when they’d driven into the woods. For now, though, he’d let Lorcan sleep in.

He took a moment to adjust his things before he leaned over, pressing a kiss to his boyfriend’s shoulders, and then he slid quietly out of the tent and took a seat heavily on the nearest log. The fire had burned down to just embers, but it didn’t take long to get it back up again. He focused on poking at the logs, trying to clear his mind, but in the cold air it was hard to do so, his thoughts wandering back to what he’d been mulling over for the past few days. He wondered if Lorcan had noticed how distracted he was. Exams kept him busy, and his boyfriend kept him happily wrapped up in other things. But when none of that had him preoccupied…

He was cold now, but he vaguely remembered losing his jacket and wandering around coatless last year. That had been colder… and lonelier. He remembered stumbling around in a stupor — smoking something with a stranger without asking what it was — going to the bar with Anya and purposely losing her — crossing the street at three in the morning and nearly getting hit by a car and not caring — showing up at Stormy’s house, a fucking wreck, missing Lorcan so much that it hurt. He shivered and curled in on himself, closer to the fire. Hugo didn’t look up until he heard noise behind him, and then he turned to see Lorcan coming out of the tent. “Hey,” he greeted softly, reaching out a hand to beckon his boyfriend over to sit with him. Once he was there, Hugo wrapped the arm around his shoulder and leaned over to kiss his cheek. “You sleep okay?”

i'm halfway gone sleepless i'm battle-worn you're all i want so bring me the dawn i need the sun to break you've woken up my heart i'm shaking all my luck could change been in the dark for weeks and i've realized you're all i need
Dec 30 2016, 01:49 PM
he/him
twenty-three


plant manipulation
florist
lorcan c. hart
sparky [she/her] • 1643 posts


you still have all of my heart
tag: gingersnap <3 //
notes: ugh i love them
He woke up alone, and slightly disoriented. Lorcan never did well, waking up someplace that wasn’t his bed. It was confusing and he felt claustrophobic inside the sleeping bag, pushing uselessly at the confining fabric for perhaps a beat too long before he realized where he was. In a tent. In the woods. In the snow. A quiet getaway from their hectic, messy lives. He never could have imagined this was where Hugo was taking him for their anniversary, but it felt perfect in a way. Remote and secluded. Away from all the people and the sounds and the responsibilities.

He was a little disappointed to find Hugo already gone when he turned over towards his sleeping bag. He always felt a little empty when he woke up without him. Lorcan had grown so accustomed over the last year to him being right next to him when he opened his eyes every morning. He missed the warmth that radiated off of his partner’s body. And that stupid fucking sleepy smile he’d give him when he rolled over and pressed his face into his shoulder.

He could recall Hugo tossing and turning a bit the night before. It didn’t really surprise him that he was up before Lorcan now. These sort of nights, Hugo never seemed to be able to stay in bed long. He understood. It was frustrating lying still and begging sleep to come when you knew it never would. Normally he would have rolled over, wrapped his arms around the redhead, and tried to soothe him in some way. But it was hard to do that in a tent, wrapped in sleeping bags, fighting off the cold. A part of him felt guilty for not doing something anyways. They took care of each other. Always.

Lorcan undid his sleeping bag with a struggled lack of finesse. He was still groggy and cold and the noise didn’t make a difference if the only other person around for ages was already awake. He pulled one of Hugo’s old college hoodies (that he’d commandeered long before they even started dating) on over the long sleeve t-shirt he was wearing, and layered it with his winter coat for good measure, tugging on his boots before he unzipped the tent and not-so-gracefully stumbled out. He cursed lightly under his breath before managing to tug the zippers securely shut again.

Hugo turned then, and his gentle greeting and outstretched hand brought some of the warmth back to Lorcan’s body all on it’s own. He fucking loved this man. With every fiber of his being. It was hard to focus on anything negative when he looked at him like that. He accepted the press of lips against his cheek, smiling to himself as he sat down next to the redhead. This was perfect in a lot of ways. Nevermind the cold and the snow and Lorcan wishing for a hot cup of coffee. Being here with Hugo, just the two of them… Nothing was better than that.

”Yeah.” Lorcan yawned, burrowing further into his boyfriend’s side. The fire was warm, but he had always found the warmth and comfort of Hugo to be much more appealing than anything else. ”You didn’t, really.” he didn’t bother to phrase it as a question. They knew each other too well by now to tiptoe around things. He traced a lazy pattern over his boyfriend’s thigh. ”Is everything okay?”

There's too many times I have to say I could have been better and stronger for you and me You always make me feel okay Those late summers we spent, stay up talking all night I'd ask "you think we'd ever make it?" You'd say "I'm sure if it's right" Ain't it funny to think just how stupid I used to be Hope you always believe
Jan 5 2017, 03:56 PM
he/him
twenty-four


telescopic vision
student / tattoo artist
hugo a. parker
ananas [she/her] • 2555 posts


you've woken up my heart & i'm shaking
tag: logo ♥ //
notes: my babies tbh
He pressed his face against his boyfriend’s hair, breathing in the familiar and comforting scent that was Lorcan. He loved everything about him: his smile, his touch, his humour, his wit, his love. Hugo had been very blessed in his life, and he knew that — an incredible family, amazing friends who would do just about anything for him. But he had never known so much love before Lorcan — Lorcan and the way he looked at him, the way he talked and listened to him, the way he leaned into Hugo like he was his safe space. They were each other’s safe spaces. Mornings like this one, it was hard to remember that. But Lorcan’s emergence from the tent soothed some of his nerves, helped him to remember that. He always had that effect on Hugo.

He shifted as Lorcan yawned and moved closer. “Mm,” he hummed softly in response, shifting to get more comfortable on the log. He didn’t answer Lorcan’s question at first, just focusing on breathing for the moment, trying to slow his breathing down to match his boyfriend’s. He appreciated the fingers tracing over his thigh, too. It all helped to ground him, in a way, pull him back to now rather than letting him dwell on where he had been a year ago. Last year had felt like drowning. Today felt more like floating, peacefully and contentedly, but there was still a niggling fear at the back of his mind, almost like if he stayed like this for too long he would start drowning again.

“I just had a lot on my mind, I guess,” he said finally, choosing his words carefully. Half of him wanted to brush it off, to get up abruptly and go to start making breakfast and continue abiding by one of the only hard and fast rules of his life: Hugo Parker doesn’t talk about feelings. Hugo Parker doesn’t have feelings. But he closed his eyes as he leaned against Lorcan, breathing deeply and trying to remember. Lorcan was safe. Lorcan loved him and cared about him and wanted to know how he was feeling. Hugo sighed quietly and withdrew, though it was somewhat reluctant. “Just about last year.” He didn’t want to talk about it, really. Saying any of it out loud made it more real. And he didn’t want to acknowledge that it was real. He hadn’t discussed it at all since he’d told Gemma, the day she’d come back and nearly broken down his door, demanding to know everything. Telling Lorcan felt even worse now, after he’d been holding onto it for an entire year.

His mouth was dry, and he immediately wanted to back out. “It’s not important, really. Same old,” he said, trying to stop his breathing from picking up again at the lie. He pulled his arms away from Lorcan, drawing them back towards himself. “You want breakfast? Or coffee?”

i'm halfway gone sleepless i'm battle-worn you're all i want so bring me the dawn i need the sun to break you've woken up my heart i'm shaking all my luck could change been in the dark for weeks and i've realized you're all i need
Jan 8 2017, 05:10 PM
he/him
twenty-three


plant manipulation
florist
lorcan c. hart
sparky [she/her] • 1643 posts


you still have all of my heart
tag: gingersnap <3 //
notes: ugh i love them
For a moment, Lorcan let his eyes fall shut. He let his boyfriend’s closeness and warmth remind him of the reason they’d taken this trip in the first place. To get lost in each other again, for just a few days by themselves. To remember all the little things they sometimes took for granted. All the things that had made this last year something special and memorable and so fucking life-changing. He felt so serene here in this moment, like everything else didn’t matter. It didn’t exist. Nothing did outside of their little campsite.

He nodded shortly to let his boyfriend know he was listening. But he could hear that lilt in his tone, it was just barely there, like he was trying really hard to think of the right thing to say. Like he didn’t want to alarm him. Which was probably more concerning in of itself than whatever it was he was really thinking. He’d learned that about Hugo over the course of their relationship. He worried about things that Lorcan usually accepted easily. But he’d been with people in the past that had not so readily accepted all of him. It was okay that he was scared. Lorcan was too, sometimes.

But something in the way he started to pull away made Lorcan’s stomach flip uncomfortably. They had come up here to have a good time. And something was obviously wrong...”Just about last year.” It was clear to him what he was referring to, but they’d never talked about it before. It had been more important to move on from whatever happened, than to rehash it at the time. But he was starting to think it was wrong of him to have avoided the subject for so long. Hugo was clearly struggling with something, Lorcan could see it in the way he retreated into himself. Not just physically, but mentally. He watched the defenses going up.

”Hey…” Lorcan moved closer, pressing their thighs together, wrapping his own arm around Hugo’s shoulders now. His fingers threaded through the fine hair at the nape of Hugo’s neck, his face pressed halfway into the puffy shoulder of his coat. ”Clearly it’s bothering you, babe...” he pursed his lips and shook his head. He wasn’t hungry, and as much as he was craving a nice hot cup of coffee, Hugo was always going to be more important. ”Tell me what’s wrong.”

There's too many times I have to say I could have been better and stronger for you and me You always make me feel okay Those late summers we spent, stay up talking all night I'd ask "you think we'd ever make it?" You'd say "I'm sure if it's right" Ain't it funny to think just how stupid I used to be Hope you always believe
Jan 19 2017, 12:12 AM
he/him
twenty-four


telescopic vision
student / tattoo artist
hugo a. parker
ananas [she/her] • 2555 posts


you've woken up my heart & i'm shaking
tag: logo ♥ //
notes: my babies tbh
His breathing was faster than normal, and he didn’t like the feeling. Lorcan pressed closer and pulled him towards him, and Hugo gave in easily. He craved his boyfriend’s affection in that moment, so badly. He wished they weren’t in the middle of the cold fucking forest, so that he could drag Lorcan back to their bed and curl up with him under the covers, pressed close, close, closer still together, and hide from the whole fucking world. But he couldn’t do that right now, so instead he whimpered as he pressed his face against his boyfriend. He didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. But he also felt like he was fucking drowning, and he held on tightly to what parts of Lorcan he could reach — one hand and the back of his jacket.

Lorcan wasn’t going to let this go if Hugo didn’t tell him something, but he wasn’t sure what exactly to say. He didn’t want to upset him, or worse, disappoint or anger him. They were supposed to be here celebrating, having a nice weekend away for their anniversary, and here Hugo was fucking things up. He knew that he needed to explain something, if not everything, and he shifted uncomfortably to press his face against Lorcan.

“Just thinking about everything that happened,” he said carefully. “You know… running off and getting drunk as fuck, and all that shit. It was… bad.” That was a partial truth. It certainly wasn’t a lie. But it was also not exactly what he’d been thinking of, and it sidestepped the main issues in favour of, instead, telling Lorcan only what he already knew. But Hugo didn’t want to talk about the real issue here. He quickly continued, “It’s nothing, honestly, just — y’know, on my mind lately because it’s been a whole fuckin’ year.” He seized the opportunity to diverge. “Like us. A whole fuckin’ year.”

i'm halfway gone sleepless i'm battle-worn you're all i want so bring me the dawn i need the sun to break you've woken up my heart i'm shaking all my luck could change been in the dark for weeks and i've realized you're all i need
Feb 5 2017, 12:54 PM
he/him
twenty-three


plant manipulation
florist
lorcan c. hart
sparky [she/her] • 1643 posts


you still have all of my heart
tag: gingersnap <3 //
notes: ugh i love them
Hugo whimpered and Lorcan held on a little tighter. ”I’ve got you.” was all he said for a moment. He wasn’t going to let this go until his boyfriend was honest with him about what was going on, but he didn’t want to press the subject too hard. It would only drive Hugo further into the maze of walls he built up around himself. He’d wear him down slowly. Gently. It was better than the fight it would likely cause if he was too aggressive. Lorcan didn’t want to fight. They were here to celebrate. He just wasn’t sure they could do that when Hugo’s head was clearly someplace else.

He got the feeling that bad was somewhat of an understatement. Hugo had been missing for three days. “Bad” couldn’t possibly cover everything that had happened. But Lorcan didn’t know what had really happened. He’d never felt right asking. Dredging up bad memories wasn’t usually helpful when you were in a budding relationship. So he had left it alone. The important part had been that Hugo was okay. Whatever had happened, he was okay now. But maybe a part of him wasn’t… He gave Hugo’s hand a light squeeze.

”Hm. Yeah. A whole fuckin’ year.” he watched their hands as he threaded their fingers together. It had been an incredible year. Maybe the best of Lorcan’s life. Better than when he finally developed his powers. Better than coming out. Better than opening the shop. Hugo was the missing puzzle piece. The person he wanted to share everything with. The good and the bad. He wanted him by his side through everything. Perhaps that was why Hugo’s avoidance techniques stung the way they did.

He was all in, Lorcan knew that by now. But he was also keeping things to himself. Whether it was out of fear or shame or something else, it didn’t matter. He should have felt like he could talk to Lorcan. He should have known that he would be there no matter what. Had he not done a good enough job of showing him that? Lorcan let out a sigh and pressed his face further into his boyfriend’s shoulder for a moment. ”Why can’t you talk to me? ” he spoke quietly. ”Something’s wrong and you won’t tell me… I don’t understand.” If they were in this for the long haul, if Hugo meant it when he said he wanted to marry him someday… Then they couldn’t hide from one another. Trust was important.

There's too many times I have to say I could have been better and stronger for you and me You always make me feel okay Those late summers we spent, stay up talking all night I'd ask "you think we'd ever make it?" You'd say "I'm sure if it's right" Ain't it funny to think just how stupid I used to be Hope you always believe
Feb 20 2017, 07:05 PM
he/him
twenty-four


telescopic vision
student / tattoo artist
hugo a. parker
ananas [she/her] • 2555 posts


you've woken up my heart & i'm shaking
tag: logo ♥ //
notes: my babies tbh
He held onto his boyfriend tightly, not moving for a few long moments. He just needed some time to relax and figure out what he needed to say, or do, to get out of this hole he’d dug himself into. There was so much that he should have told Lorcan ages ago, he knew, at literally any point in the past year. But it had never seemed like the right time. Hugo understood now that there was no right time. Sometimes, it just came up when he least expected it — like on their anniversary, for example. He untangled their hands so he could raise his to Lorcan’s face, fingertips gently tracing along his jaw. Breathe in. Breathe out. He trusted Lorcan, with every part of his being, but it was still difficult sometimes — to talk, to explain, sometimes just to breathe.

He didn’t answer for a long while, but Lorcan’s question made him flinch briefly. Lorcan was right, they both knew that. Hugo needed to talk to him. But the words seemed to weigh more heavily on him than before. He tried to focus on the question he’d been asked instead. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, though he knew that an apology wasn’t going to excuse him for his shitty avoidance. It wasn’t okay. They both knew that just as well. “I just… I meant to tell you… I’ve always wanted to…” He’d told Gemma right away, but not without some prodding. She’d shown up and left no room for debate as to whether he would spill his guts to her. Lorcan was gentler. And Hugo appreciated that, but — it made the words stick more to his throat now, kept them from coming out.

“I just — we’d just gotten together, and I didn’t want to fucking — ruin that right away, I didn’t want you to change your mind or anything.” He let his hand drop again to where Lorcan’s was, squeezing it tight. “And I know — I knew, after a while — that you wouldn’t change your mind, but then it just… it seemed like it was never a good time to bring it up… And we were moving past it, and it seemed fucking stupid bringing it up again when it’d been done for months.” His words came faster now, more harried, practically tripping over themselves in their rush to get out. This part, at least, he could explain a little better than he could the rest of it. He knew why he hadn’t been able to say anything.

“And then I just… didn’t want to worry you, or — make you feel bad, or upset you, or anything…” He sighed and pressed his cheek against the top of Lorcan’s head, snaking his arm further around him so hold on even tighter. It helped ground him, holding Lorcan close — and it also let him hide his face. He didn’t think he could look at his boyfriend right now while he said all of this. “And I didn’t want you to look at me differently… And it was — fucking still is — fucking hard, okay?”

i'm halfway gone sleepless i'm battle-worn you're all i want so bring me the dawn i need the sun to break you've woken up my heart i'm shaking all my luck could change been in the dark for weeks and i've realized you're all i need
Mar 26 2017, 07:39 PM
he/him
twenty-three


plant manipulation
florist
lorcan c. hart
sparky [she/her] • 1643 posts


you still have all of my heart
tag:@hugo a. parker <3 //
notes: ugh i love them
”I’ve got you.” he said said again, quietly, as Hugo raised his hand to his face. The fingertips tracing his jawline were cold, but he didn’t flinch away. Instead he unzipped his coat a fraction, and took Hugo’s gently in his own hand, tucking it inside his jacket, just over his heart. Lorcan forced his own breaths to be slow and even, exaggerated in a way that would hopefully help set a pace for Hugo to follow. ”Just breathe, babe.” He knew perhaps this was a little different than when his boyfriend would help him through a panic attack. But there was something about it that felt like the right thing to do. Like it was the only thing that made sense.They sat like that for awhile before either of them spoke again.

”I understand.” he said softly, returning the tight squeeze on his hand, trying to convey somehow that he was on the same page here. Nevermind that the idea that anything could possibly scare him away was absolutely ridiculous. Even that early in the game, Lorcan had been too invested in making this thing between them work. He’d been so worried that he’d never get a second chance at feeling quite so strongly about someone ever again. And the longer they’d been together, the larger that concern had grown. What they had was not something to take lightly. This sort of love didn’t come knocking on your door every day.

He didn’t say anything as Hugo continued. It was clear he needed to get this off of his chest, to explain himself. Lorcan felt somewhat bad for pushing in a way that seemed insensitive. He hadn’t meant to upset him further with his question. Lorcan just… needed answers. And he felt like, despite how difficult it might be to let them out, Hugo needed to give them. He needed someone to help him carry that weight. ”Okay… It’s okay.” he sighed, after Hugo’s flow of words seemed to fade out.

”There is absolutely nothing you could say that would make me see you any differently, Hugo.” He brought their joined hands up to gently kiss Hugo’s knuckles. There was so much swirling around in his head. What was Hugo so worried about? How bad could it possibly be? But he kept an air of calm to the best of his abilities. Hugo needed him to be his rock right now. He could do that. ”I know it’s hard… But I’d like to know… If you’re - If you want to tell me, that is…”

There's too many times I have to say I could have been better and stronger for you and me You always make me feel okay Those late summers we spent, stay up talking all night I'd ask "you think we'd ever make it?" You'd say "I'm sure if it's right" Ain't it funny to think just how stupid I used to be Hope you always believe
Apr 3 2017, 06:57 PM
he/him
twenty-four


telescopic vision
student / tattoo artist
hugo a. parker
ananas [she/her] • 2555 posts


you've woken up my heart & i'm shaking
tag: logo ♥ @lorcan c. hart //
notes: my babies tbh
He let Lorcan guide his hand inside his jacket, though he had to resist the urge to tell him to zip back up — it was cold out here. But he could feel Lorcan’s heartbeat even through the remaining layers of clothing, and the quiet words were soothing. He leaned against his boyfriend for a second, not saying anything at first, just trying to absorb some of the comfort Lorcan was offering. The middle of the woods in December was in many ways an unideal place to be having this kind of breakdown. But at the same time, it was a great place for such a thing — no distractions, no responsibilities or obligations that he had to tend to — just the two of them and what seemed like all the time and space in the whole world.

“I’m okay,” he mumbled, though he wasn’t sure if that were entirely true. He was certainly more okay than he had been last year. With Lorcan, things felt more okay than they had. “I just…” He breathed in deep when he was reminded to, and he felt slightly better. Lorcan was so fucking smart and good and incredible. “Thank you…” He pressed his forehead to his boyfriend’s cheek, hoping to convey his gratitude and affection in that moment without words. Those had never been his strong suit. “I — I know that nothing would change, but I just… I don’t want to be a burden, or a fucking… I don’t know.” He didn’t want to annoy other people with his problems — he’d always been that way. But now, with Lorcan, maybe it was time that this needed to change.

He took his time to breathe for a second, gaining his composure and trying to find the words before he spoke. His eyes were closed; it was too hard to open them right now. It was hard to figure out where to start, so he decided to begin with something that Lorcan already knew. “Well… during that time when i was — y’know…” He swallowed thickly. “I did some really fucking stupid shit. Like… really fucking stupid. I mean, I think you probably guessed, but —” He knew that Lorcan must have pieced at least some of it together, but still he paused for a second before continuing, trying to figure out how to tell the story. He just needed to be straightforward with it, probably.

“Y’know, when I… disappeared for a few days. I fucking drove to the Coopers’, drunk, and had way too much, and then I went to see Anya, but I — I didn’t want her to ask any fucking questions so… she was buying coke from some shitbag, and I ditched her.” He shivered, but he wasn’t sure if it was from the cold or something else. “I wound up… sitting outside, I don’t remember if it was outside the bar or… somewhere else, but… Some… girl, I think? Offered me something, I don’t know, I didn’t really care, I just… I remember smoking something and getting really fucked up.” He didn’t mention all of the drinking he’d been doing up to that point. It probably wasn’t necessary.

“I think we bought tacos or something and then we were sitting outside and that’s when it fucking hit. I don’t know. It’s a blur after that… That’s when I walked to Stormy’s, and — well, you can probably guess the fuckin’ rest.” He thought about whether or not he should mention trying to fucking proposition his ex at the bar, but decided that it was one of the less important details of the story. He still hadn’t even gotten to the part that was hardest to say. The rest was just narrative. The worst of it was… more inside of him.

i'm halfway gone sleepless i'm battle-worn you're all i want so bring me the dawn i need the sun to break you've woken up my heart i'm shaking all my luck could change been in the dark for weeks and i've realized you're all i need
Apr 25 2017, 07:56 PM
he/him
twenty-three


plant manipulation
florist
lorcan c. hart
sparky [she/her] • 1643 posts


you still have all of my heart
tag: @hugo a. parker <3 //
notes: ugh i love them
He stroked his boyfriend’s hair gently. ”You don’t have to thank me.” He knew Hugo wasn’t the biggest fan of that response, and that he would almost always counter with ”I wanted to.” But it felt important for him to understand that he did this because he loved him, and not for any other reason. He would always be there to talk him down when things felt like they were just too much and the walls were caving in. Just like Hugo was always there for him.

”You’re not a burden.” his voice was soft, but there was an intense conviction behind the statement. He hated the idea that Hugo might think he was weighing him down in any way. ”Your problems, worries, whatever they are, they’re not yours to carry alone anymore, okay?” They never had to be alone again. They had each other now. They shared everything. A home, a bank account, a life. This wasn’t any different. They were a team.

He listened quietly as Hugo told his story. Let him find the words at his own pace, simply nodding along, and giving him a light squeeze of encouragement when he seemed like he was struggling to continue. Some of it had been easy to guess, even back when it had happened. But other aspects made Lorcan’s chest feel tight.

Hugo was a smart person, perhaps the smartest person that Lorcan had ever met in his life. And maybe sometimes he was unconcerned with his own well-being in a way that bothered Lorcan to no end. But this story, what had happened a year ago, it was so much more than his usual level of flippancy. It wasn’t staying up too late, or skipping lunch. It was a complete disregard. Driving drunk, taking drugs handed to him by strangers, drinking excessively, seeking out people who had hurt him the most in his life. The thought of it left a sour taste in Lorcan’s mouth. The idea that he’d been holding all of it in for an entire year only made it seem worse.

”That was very reckless of you...” his voice was quiet, almost a whisper. He understood why Hugo hadn’t told him this before.It made him feel sad inside, the idea that the man he loved had felt so terrible because of him that he’d wound up making such careless choices. Lorcan wasn’t sure what else to say, so he just held on a little tighter.

There's too many times I have to say I could have been better and stronger for you and me You always make me feel okay Those late summers we spent, stay up talking all night I'd ask "you think we'd ever make it?" You'd say "I'm sure if it's right" Ain't it funny to think just how stupid I used to be Hope you always believe
May 9 2017, 12:25 AM
he/him
twenty-four


telescopic vision
student / tattoo artist
hugo a. parker
ananas [she/her] • 2555 posts


you've woken up my heart & i'm shaking
tag: logo ♥ @lorcan c. hart //
notes: my babies tbh
He breathed in and out shallowly a few times, pressing himself as close to Lorcan as possible, trying to melt in his arms. If he could, he’d just fade into Lorcan right now and just make it all stop for a while, so that he wouldn’t have to finish this conversation. But maybe it was time, now. It was their one-year anniversary. It was like a promise of more and more years to come. Hugo was tired of keeping things from his boyfriend. He didn’t want to do it anymore. And now that he’d started, it wasn’t right to just leave things hanging like this. “I know…” It took him a while to even get out those two words, but it was an improvement on the silence. It was hard right now. Lorcan was right. The shit he had done had been reckless beyond belief. His best friend had been livid with him. He wouldn’t blame Lorcan now if he were angry, too. But he didn’t seem it — he sounded upset, perhaps, but it was hard for Hugo to try to understand what his boyfriend was feeling, beyond that. His own emotions were a mess right now. And he needed to get the rest of the words out, no matter how hard it was.

His heart was pounding uncomfortably in his chest. It physically hurt. He didn’t even like to think this shit, let alone say it — and then, he wanted even less to say it to possibly the person he cared about most in the world. “I just… I couldn’t… I don’t know… I remember just… doing all this stupid shit, not caring…” He remembered, dimly, a car almost hitting him as he’d crossed the street — the driver angrily honking their horn as they swerved out of the way — but he’d just kept walking, barely aware of what was happening around him. “Like I didn’t care if I d—” He stopped abruptly, but it was probably too late. “If something happened to me,” he finished, more quietly. “And I just… I don’t know… It was like, I didn’t even think about if other people would care…”

No, that was a lie. He corrected himself, his voice somehow even quieter than before, barely audible now. “No, I… I knew nobody else would care… Or I thought, at least.” He had thought about it, and he’d always promptly pushed the thought away, because he’d been sure at the time. Looking back now, it seemed ridiculous. He knew that there were people who cared about him. But — “I don’t know, Via was always too busy to talk much, and Nix was great but he kept wanting me to do better and I couldn’t and I hadn’t seen most of my family in ages and I just had a fight with Rome and —” He interrupted himself with an unanticipated sob, and then he was crying, clinging onto his boyfriend more tightly. He needed Lorcan. It turned out he always had. “And I missed you,” he fought to say, his voice shaking through the tears. “And — and I’m sorry, Lor, I fucking — I’m sorry, fuck, it’s all my fault and I’m so fucking sorry.” He peeled himself away and swiped the tears away from his face, trying to look at Lorcan so he could gauge his expression. He didn’t want his boyfriend to be upset. But Lorcan had every right to be.

i'm halfway gone sleepless i'm battle-worn you're all i want so bring me the dawn i need the sun to break you've woken up my heart i'm shaking all my luck could change been in the dark for weeks and i've realized you're all i need
May 27 2017, 12:16 PM
he/him
twenty-three


plant manipulation
florist
lorcan c. hart
sparky [she/her] • 1643 posts


you still have all of my heart
tag: @hugo a. parker <3 //
notes: ugh i love them
Hugo stopped himself, amended his word choice before it left his lips, but Lorcan could still hear it ringing in his ears as if he’d said it out loud. The image of Hugo in that state, the idea of this person he would die for feeling like his own life didn’t matter… Lorcan felt sick. How long had he felt that way? How close had he really been to losing him? The tears that had been brimming in his eyes at the thought finally spilled over silently when his boyfriend admitted it felt like no one cared. Somehow Lorcan felt guilty for not being there in that moment, when Hugo had needed him the most. It wasn’t like it was for lack of want or trying, still somehow it felt like he was partially responsible. Like he should have done more.

”I always cared… If I lost you, I-” the words were quiet whispers, choked on before they could finish coming out. Lorcan wasn’t even sure what the end of the sentence was meant to be. He didn’t know what he would do if he ever lost Hugo for good. How could he move on from something as perfect as this? It would tear him apart. Just being cut off from him for those few months when things had been bad, it had felt like someone was slowly twisting a knife in his gut every time the redhead crossed his mind. Lorcan didn’t know how to explain the pain he felt now, knowing all of this. Knowing how close Hugo had been to slipping over the edge and making a mistake he couldn’t take back. What would he have done if Lorcan hadn’t come to see him that night when the power went out? Where would they be now? His stomach felt sick, twisted up in uncomfortable knots, his heart was beating too quickly in his chest. All he could think to do was hold on a little tighter. He was here now. Hugo would never have to feel that alone again.

For some reason the apology caught him off guard. And it made him almost angry in a way. Not at Hugo. Never at Hugo. Instead at whoever had made him feel like he needed to apologize for his feelings. Like he somehow owed it to Lorcan to be okay all of the time. That wasn’t part of the deal they’d made when they’d decided to pursue the messy feelings they had for each other. ”Shhh. Don’t you dare apologize.” He continued to run his fingers through short red hair, shaking his head softly until Hugo pulled away enough to get a good look at him. Lorcan wasn’t sure what he was expecting to find in his face. Or if he saw it there or not. But he sniffled and smeared away a few stray tears of his own before reaching out to gently brush at his boyfriend’s freckled cheeks. ”You have nothing to be sorry for, Gingersnap.”

There's too many times I have to say I could have been better and stronger for you and me You always make me feel okay Those late summers we spent, stay up talking all night I'd ask "you think we'd ever make it?" You'd say "I'm sure if it's right" Ain't it funny to think just how stupid I used to be Hope you always believe
Jun 22 2017, 11:46 PM
he/him
twenty-four


telescopic vision
student / tattoo artist
hugo a. parker
ananas [she/her] • 2555 posts


you've woken up my heart & i'm shaking
tag: logo ♥ @lorcan c. hart //
notes: my babies tbh
He felt rather than saw the tears, and for a very strange moment he couldn’t tell if they were Lorcan’s or his own. It took him a second to realize they were Lorcan’s, and he felt a pang in his heart. He never wanted to make his boyfriend cry. He was still shaking, himself, but he wrapped his arms around Lorcan more tightly and held on, trying to be some kind of reassuring, grounding presence in that moment. He didn’t want to upset him — not a year ago, not since they’d gotten together, and definitely not now. He reached up one shaky hand and brushed his thumb beneath Lorcan’s eye, wiping away the tears there. Some kind of guilt settled into his chest. Rationally, he knew that he shouldn’t feel guilty right now. But he did, anyway — the same kind of guilt he felt whenever he was forced to burden Lorcan with his thoughts and emotions. He knew that their relationship relied on it. But it still felt awful, especially given that he knew how easily his boyfriend cried.

The flood of words stopped as Lorcan spoke, his voice quiet and choked, and Hugo found himself shaking his head adamantly. He hated it when Lorcan cried like this. Happy crying was endearing and sweet and made Hugo feel warm inside. But this was very different. “I know,” he whispered back, brushing his thumb along Lorcan’s cheek. His voice was tense, too — hoarse and tight. But Lorcan needed him just as much as he needed Lorcan. Even through the emotional near-panic, he could feel that right now. “I know, I know you do. Did.” A sob broke through, but he choked it back almost immediately, trying not to start crying too. He loved Lorcan more than anything else in this whole world. And he fully believed that Lorcan may damn well have saved his life. He thought, or at least hoped, that he wouldn’t have done anything more drastic a year ago than he had. But still, he had royally fucked up some things in his life. Lorcan had helped him turn that around. He tried to focus on that — on the good, and all the positives in his life now — to try to stop the tears.

It didn’t work, exactly. He still felt the tears fall, more freely now, and another sob broke halfway out of his mouth. “I’m okay now,” he tried to reassure his boyfriend, though his voice was shaky and unclear through the crying. “I’m okay now, I promise, I —” He pressed their foreheads together as a sign of support, when his voice failed him, while he tried to get it to start working again. “I know you’ve got me… I know… I don’t feel like — that — anymore… I promise…” He impatiently swiped away his own tears, and then much more tenderly Lorcan’s as well. “Please don’t c-cry. C’mere.” He wrapped his arms tight around Lorcan again, pulling him close. He wasn’t sure who was comforting who at this point. But he pressed his face into his boyfriend’s neck, as well as he could through the layers they were both wearing to fight off the cold. He was safe here. He knew that. He just needed his body to remember. He wasn’t drowning anymore. He was going to be okay.

“I’m sorry…” It came more weakly this time, the fight-or-flight (it was both) slowly ebbing out of him as he pressed even closer to Lorcan. He wasn’t sure what he was apologizing for this time — maybe for apologizing in the first place.

i'm halfway gone sleepless i'm battle-worn you're all i want so bring me the dawn i need the sun to break you've woken up my heart i'm shaking all my luck could change been in the dark for weeks and i've realized you're all i need
Jul 5 2017, 07:18 PM
he/him
twenty-three


plant manipulation
florist
lorcan c. hart
sparky [she/her] • 1643 posts


you still have all of my heart
tag: @hugo a. parker <3 //
notes: ugh i love them
Lorcan’s eyes fell closed for a moment and he took a deep breath as Hugo pressed their foreheads together. It was such a sweet, grounding gesture. Somehow even in his own moments of distress, his boyfriend knew exactly what he needed. It almost made Lorcan want to start crying all over again. He was so lucky to have this man in his life. He swallowed back the tears the best he could. They didn’t stop entirely, but it was a start. Hugo needed him to be strong for him right now. ”You’d tell me… If you felt that low, right? You’d tell me?” If this was a problem his boyfriend was facing, he wanted to know. He wanted to be able to help.

”I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.” he insisted quietly. He wasn’t upset, really. Not so much as he hated the idea of Hugo feeling this way. Of him holding onto this deep dark secret for so long. Lorcan had always avoided asking about those days he disappeared out of fear of upsetting his boyfriend. He’d hoped that moving on from whatever had happened, putting enough distance between them and that part of their lives would make things better on it’s own. But now, hearing it from Hugo, feeling him choke back sobs as he clung to Lorcan tightly, it was clear that no amount of time would have helped. This was good, really. As terrible as it felt, he knew that they both needed this. They needed to clear the air surrounding that point in their relationship. Otherwise some part of them would always be stuck. And the last thing he wanted on their one-year anniversary was to be stuck.

It had been an incredible year. The best of Lorcan’s adult life, he knew that without question. But he wondered if it would have been better if Hugo hadn’t had that weight on his chest. If he hadn’t felt like he had to carry that burden all alone. How many times had he wanted to say something? How many of those nights he stayed awake beside Lorcan in bed had he been terrified of what his boyfriend would say if he knew?

He didn’t deny him the apology the second time. Even if he didn’t want to hear it. ”Shh. It’s okay. We’re both okay, alright?” Lorcan held him as tightly as he could manage without worrying he was going to hurt him, close to his chest, safe. ”Just breathe, baby. S’okay.” He continued whispering softly, sweet little reassurances, reminders to breathe. He just wanted him to be okay. Nothing else mattered right now but Hugo.

There's too many times I have to say I could have been better and stronger for you and me You always make me feel okay Those late summers we spent, stay up talking all night I'd ask "you think we'd ever make it?" You'd say "I'm sure if it's right" Ain't it funny to think just how stupid I used to be Hope you always believe
Jul 15 2017, 07:05 PM
he/him
twenty-four


telescopic vision
student / tattoo artist
hugo a. parker
ananas [she/her] • 2555 posts


you've woken up my heart & i'm shaking
tag: logo ♥ @lorcan c. hart //
notes: my babies tbh
Hugo was quiet, holding on tight. He didn’t know how to answer. He didn’t want to lie. Right now was not the time to lie. It was never a time to lie to Lorcan, obviously. But right now in particular, he was tempted. He wanted to tell him that everything would be fine. He wanted to give him the answers he wanted. But the words didn’t come.

It wasn’t like he felt that low right now. He didn’t. But Hugo hadn’t known any semblance of what it felt like to drown up until last year. And he remembered being back there, sinking to what felt like the bottom of the ocean, unable to swim upwards. Calling out for help was pretty fucking impossible when your lungs were filling with water. But things were different now, weren’t they? He knew better than to let himself get to that point. At least, he was pretty sure. “I’d try,” he said. It was the most honest answer he could give. He swallowed hard. “It’s hard… to talk about it…” But he wanted to give Lorcan a better answer than that, so he tried to press on, tried to provide solutions rather than more problems. “It helps sometimes… if you ask, I think… S’easier when you make me…” He just hoped that Lorcan understood. Hugo had never enjoyed prying questions and people who demanded too much information from him. But Lorcan had a way of making him open up and talk. It helped when his emotions were less stable.

He sniffled lightly, slumping over so that Lorcan was supporting basically all of his weight. “I can’t help it,” he mumbled, trying to mimic his boyfriend’s breathing — slow, deep breaths, in and out. What he really wanted was to go curl up with him somewhere without their jackets in the way. But of course that wasn’t possible when they were stuck in the middle of the woods in the dead of winter. When he’d planned this camping trip, of course, he hadn’t known that he would have such a stupid fucking emotional breakdown. “I’m okay,” he tried to insist, but it didn’t sound convincing at all. He squeezed his eyes shut tight, and a tear or two slipped. He hoped that Lorcan wouldn’t notice. “I didn’t mean to… Fuck…” He drew a shaky breath and let Lorcan pull him in close. He felt small and helpless, and like the world was a giant fucking scary place that he didn’t know how to deal with right now. But Lorcan was here. He would protect him. “I’m sorry… We should be celebrating, not… this.” He pressed his face into Lorcan’s neck. God, Hugo fucking loved him, needed him. “I love you… ‘m’really glad you’re my boyfriend…”

i'm halfway gone sleepless i'm battle-worn you're all i want so bring me the dawn i need the sun to break you've woken up my heart i'm shaking all my luck could change been in the dark for weeks and i've realized you're all i need
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

options
Pages: (2) 1 2 
reply
new topic
new poll


 


 

Avalon a Panfandom RPCode 8ideal worldFerocious
Life Taught Me To DieNo Noise, No Noise
Candyland CoutureShadowplay